Monday, January 16, 2012

The post without a picture.

These days have been REALLY hard on our family. Going to drs for Zoe and trying to get her situation under control has been heavy on us all. I pray every night that the next day will be easier and that it goes by quickly. We have finally secured a psychiatrist for an evaluation on the 30th. Will she have the same disorders that I do? Will she have to be medicated forever? Having aspergers syndrome is one thing, and believe me it has taken years for us to make peace with the diagnosis. Just writing my feelings down makes me want to cry and scream out and yell to the heavens why her? Why my child? How do I answer when she asks me is she will be miserable forever? How do I carry oN a conversation when she just goes off on her OCD behaviors? I wonder what the future holds and I have to cover myself with steel, just to make it through the days. I love her, so much so that I worry about my other children. Will they hold these days against me? I try so hard to divide myself into parts for everyone and I don't always succeed. I feel the disappointment when I spread myself too thin and them i start the cycle all over again. I never had a mom in the classic sense, and I have no blueprint for what is right and what is wrong. I hope with all my heart that I am doing right, even though I am doing things in the dark most of the time. And that is it. The deepest fear in my heart. It feels good to write it down.

No comments: